Children who are naturally agreeable and accommodating can often seem like a dream for parents. These children readily allow parents to tie their shoes, apply sunscreen, or encourage them to eat their vegetables without complaint. However, according to child psychologist Becky Kennedy, this tendency can lead to significant challenges in adulthood.
Speaking at the Fast Company Innovation Festival in 2025, Kennedy highlighted a concerning issue: children who only comply with parental expectations to please their caregivers may suffer from anxiety and burnout as adults. “We love our people-pleasers when they’re young … because they’ve gotten very good at noticing if we’re happy with them and changing their behavior accordingly,” she remarked. Kennedy, who hosts the parenting podcast “Good Inside” and holds a degree from Columbia University, suggests these very qualities can contribute to feelings of emptiness in adulthood.
To prevent such outcomes, it is essential to help children with people-pleasing tendencies discover their own identities from an early age. Kennedy recommended that parents frequently encourage their children to consider their own desires and needs. This approach allows children to establish a sense of self that is independent of others’ expectations.
“We train kids, especially little girls, to disappoint themselves over and over in the name of making other people happy,” Kennedy pointed out. “We shouldn’t be surprised when they get older that they don’t get into the best relationships and don’t feel great about themselves.”
Additionally, the habit of prioritizing others over oneself can result in negative long-term effects. Adults who identify as people-pleasers often evade conflict, suppress their emotions, and depend on external validation for self-worth. These characteristics can hinder personal relationships, impede self-esteem, and limit professional advancement.
To assist children in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, Kennedy shared three effective strategies in an Instagram reel released in April 2023:
- Express unconditional love, even in frustration. Convey to your child that your feelings don’t diminish your love for them. For instance, you might say, “Yes, I am upset, sweetie, and even when I’m upset, I still love you.”
- Encourage independent choices. When you notice your child opting for something different from your example, recognize this behavior. An example would be, “You see me eating yogurt for breakfast most days, and you still know that you don’t like yogurt. You prefer bagels. I love that you’re a kid who knows who they really are.”
- Support decision-making, even amidst disappointment. Foster a sense of autonomy in your child by allowing them to keep items a little longer before they share. If they are playing with a toy that a sibling wants, remind them, “You can keep it a little longer before you give it to him. It’s not your job to make him happy.”
Children often emulate the behaviors of those around them. If parents prioritize the needs of others, struggle to assert themselves, or engage in negative self-talk, children are likely to adopt similar habits. Kennedy emphasized the importance of leading by example, stating that wanting to make others happy is inherently positive but should never take precedence over fulfilling one’s own needs.
In a related discussion, self-help author Hailey Magee addressed the importance of establishing boundaries to avoid burnout among adults. During a July 2024 interview on the Harvard Business Review’s “HBR IdeaCast” podcast, she emphasized the necessity of evaluating personal commitments before agreeing to help others. “If a co-worker or a member of the Parent Teacher Association asks you if you have time to help, for example, take a moment to take inventory of your own tasks, responsibilities, and energy levels before you volunteer to assist them,” Magee advised. She added, “It does actually benefit your workplace for you to be able to show up rested, balanced, and not feeling this subtle lurking resentment toward your workplace and your colleagues.”
In the quest to help future generations retain their happiness, parents are encouraged to reflect on their own behaviors and establish environments that foster independence and self-identity in their children.
